PENNSYLVANIA — On Valentine’s Day 2022, we’ve gotten our hands on a special letter from Pennsylvania’s own “Trump Primary” candidates on its way to Mar-a-Lago…
Dear Donald J. Trump,
We humbly ask you to be our Valentine. While we’re busy fighting over who’s most worthy of your support, there’s no doubt we’re putting you first, and we always will. We’re even “crafting [our] campaigns in [your] image,” all in the hopes of making you proud.
Throughout the course of our campaigns, we’ve spent our time championing your Big Lie, following your orders and refusing to support President Biden’s Bipartisan Infrastructure Law, and even following your example and shutting out the press, all because we love you. We ’ll continue working every day to prove our devotion. We’re in this for the long haul, and you’ll always have an ally in us.
No matter how ugly this race gets, no matter how much we fight against each other, know we’re fighting to please you. We’ll continue to fight for you, no matter if it’s against Republicans, Democrats or Pennsylvanians.
Just in case you’ve forgotten who’s who in our historically-large primary, we wanted to remind you of our love:
Remember me, it’s Jake Corman. I underwent a “MAGA makeover” and am leading Harrisburg Republicans’ sham “audit” of the 2020 presidential election, all for you. I want your support so badly, I even hired Kellyanne Conway to help my campaign. I want your endorsement, but I know “whatever role [you choose to play], I’m sure it will be important.”
Remember me, it’s Bill McSwain. Unlike these other pretenders, I’m the only one who wrote you a love letter last summer falsely claiming there was voter fraud in the 2020 presidential election (just like you said). I’m the only candidate you entrusted “to do anything” (ignore those claims that Pat Toomey supports me…), and I’m making sure none of the candidates forget it.
Remember me, it’s Lou Barletta. I was one of your earliest endorsers in Congress in 2016. My support for you has been undeniable — you even called me and Rep. Tom Marino “Thunder and Lightning” for all we did for your campaign. In my devotion to you, I signed on as an “alternate elector” to try to help you steal the 2020 presidential election. I believe in you, and I know that you’re “still that same person that stands up for what [you believe] and doesn’t back down,” which is why I’ll always refuse to admit that President Biden won the 2020 presidential election — no matter what others say.
Remember me, it’s Dave White. I’m a 20-year-plus politician, but I am trying to convince people I’m just like you — an “outsider” ready to take on my fellow Republicans. I rolled out my campaign as “a self-described supporter of [your] ‘America First’ agenda,” and have endorsed the sham “audit” of the 2020 presidential election. I’m even taking a page out of your book and using scammy pre-checked boxes in an attempt to fundraise.
Remember me, it’s Doug Mastriano. I’ve been championing your cause in Pennsylvania for years and there’s no doubt that I show up for you: I participated in the insurrection and spent thousands in campaign funds to bus Pennsylvanians to the Capitol that day. I also signed a letter saying we need to be ready to decertify the results of the 2020 presidential election — and I was the original champion of Harrisburg Republicans’ fraudit… that is before Jake Corman took it from me.
We’ve hired your former inner circle to guide our campaigns, and we will continue to do everything we can to prove that we love you. If there’s anything you need, ask us, and we’ll do it for you.
Happy Valentine’s Day!
Jake, Bill, Lou, Dave, Doug, et all
###